Feeling Burned Out in Your Relationship? How to Fix and Heal Together

“In order to burn out one must, by definition, have once been “on fire””, says Ayala Pines in her research on relationship burnout. You were “on fire” when your partner looked into your eyes, causing the world to spin a little faster, or when you felt butterflies in your stomach in the mere presence of your one and only. 

We all tend to buy into the fallacy that the eternal fire of deep affection will brighten up our journey of love “till death do us apart.” Unfortunately, all of us—firm believers in true love—face the harsh reality: the initial excitement dies down, and the connection weakens. 

Is it the end of your love story? Not necessarily. It might be a relationship burnout, and understanding what is relationship burnout could be the first step to healing.

What Is Relationship Burnout?

Burnout occurs when our unrealistic expectations of love remain unmet.  This results in feelings of disconnect and detachment from our partner. Once seen as cute, their behavior starts to irritate us.  It peeves us the way our partner chews, leaves the toilet seat up or puts empty food containers into the fridge.

Signs of feeling trapped in a relationship can also emerge as frustration grows over time. Little by little, our irritation accumulates into relationship burnout, leaving us emotionally drained and defeated.

Little by little, our frustration accumulates into burnout, and we feel emotionally drained, disinterested, and defeated in a relationship.

The worst thing about couple burnout is that, unlike other marital problems, it is impossible to see the onset of the disconnection: it gradually arises from a build-up of things with time. Imagine a relationship was a camel’s back, then those things would be straws. Only time will tell which of the following challenges will become the last straw.

Will stress be the last straw?  It may well be the reason behind an emerging dissatisfaction, let alone it may exacerbate the sense of disconnect.  

The lack of communication can also be the final nail, as communication breakdowns add to a tense atmosphere.

Not least among the detrimental factors is unmet expectations that create the discrepancy between our expectations to live “happily ever after”  and reality.

Signs You’re Experiencing Relationship Burnout

Relationship burnout can manifest in various forms. Here are some signals that may indicate that you are burned out in your relationship:

• emotional exhaustion: you feel drained and indifferent, sometimes even to the extent of experiencing physical weakness and sleep deprivation;

• irritability: even your partner’s most innocent habits annoy you;

• feeling trapped in a relationship: you feel hopeless about the future and have no idea how to improve an emotionally exhausting relationship.

• feeling defeated: you consider the situation to be your failure; 

• disappointment with your partner: you are not satisfied with the way they show up in the relationship;

• a decline in physical intimacy: the sex life has dropped off and feelings fade. 

Common Causes Of Relationship Burnout

Without a doubt, continual external pressures eat away at the relationship, but more often than not “the last straw” is not a tangible problem, like cheating, alcohol-related problems, or recurring arguments. The causes of relationship burnout are subtler and therefore insidious.

Why do I feel drained after talking to my boyfriend? This question often arises when unresolved conflicts, work-life imbalances, or compassion fatigue persist.

Work-Life imbalance

Both partners suffer from a work-life imbalance. The one who hustles hard experiences stress from juggling professional responsibilities with family commitments. The other partner’s irritation will gradually grow, as they might feel ignored by the one who pulls all-nighters and keeps skipping family events. In the end, both feel unsupported and unappreciated by the other partner.

Neglecting self-care

The well-known oxygen mask rule states: You need to place a mask on yourself before trying to help others. Don’t be deceived by the idea that sacrificing your well-being for family comfort will be appreciated one day. On the contrary, it is mutually beneficial to interact with a resourceful and content partner.

Unresolved conflicts

Avoiding confrontation is a widespread coping mechanism. Unfortunately, if we don’t address problems out of fear of having a difficult conversation, our hurt grows into a giant, festering resentment. If not resolved, underlying conflicts will lead to relationship burnout.

Compassion fatigue

The term “compassion fatigue” was coined in the field of health care and relates to professional caregivers. Women predominantly play the role of family caregivers: they look after children and care for the elderly. No wonder, women experience mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion similar to that of healthcare providers.

How To Fix Relationship Burnout Together

Is it possible to turn a burnout relationship into a loving and living one? Yes! Think over the following steps and choose ones you can implement as a couple.

Step 1. Make a decision. 

Both of you have to decide whether your relationship is dead or it still has the sparkle that can be rekindled. To a certain extent, relationship burnout is more of a blessing than a curse -  it may be a positive turning point for a couple not only when conquered but also when it’s a signal to leave a long-dead relationship and move on towards a more fulfilling life.

Step 2. Accept the normative nature of relationship burnout.

It is impossible to ride the wave of bliss and glide on it “happily ever after”. Moreover, the sooner you embrace challenges as integral parts of a relationship, the sooner your attitude bears fruit. This frees energy that previously was used to defend against the blame of self and the partner.

Step 3. Seek a couple’s therapist

If your partner is open to it, reach out to a specialist. Being immersed in a situation, it is hard to discern the actual reasons why you feel trapped. A therapist can help you face relationship burnout, decompose the patterns that have led you there, and find a way out.

Step 4. Invest in active listening.

Open communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. During an emotionally exhausting period, we are prone to shun communication. But in tough times, communication is of paramount importance. Not to exacerbate the disconnection, partners should strive to understand their other halves and validate their emotions.

Step 5. Create shared experiences.

However difficult it could be, you will only benefit from allocating some time to a movie night, a shared hobby, or eating out together. Time spent together can become a great opportunity to rediscover your partner, to remember what draws you to them, and to feel yourself in love again.

How to Heal From Relationship Burnout Individually

A couple will succeed if they see themselves not as adversaries but rather as a team. Although nothing can beat joint efforts, there is something you can do on your own to get to know deep-seated feelings that push you to make ill-advised decisions in your relationship.

Support

Take the following actions to turn inward and find support in your situation:

• Watch videos created by family therapists;
• Find a specialist who will help you to identify the stubborn patterns that never serve you and your relationship;
• Download the Miranna app to reach out to a coach who will provide a safe space for sharing your feelings and who specializes in couple burnout.

Journaling

Find a journaling technique that will suit you:

• Capture your thoughts: this may help you to notice patterns that go unseen;
• Write down things you are grateful for;
• Visualize your improved relationship on the pages of your notebook;
• Reflect on the recent conversations and pour emerging emotions down on paper.

Stress management

Use these tips when facing a difficult situation:

• Identify your stress response. Are you prone to a fight or flight reaction? If you have a “fight or flight” response, you’d be better off employing stress relief activities that quiet you down. If your reaction to stress is to “freeze”, try engaging in stimulating and energizing activities;
• Use your senses: when feeling overwhelmed, light up a scented candle, pet a cat, dance around, or listen to the soothing sound of running water;
• Squeeze the tips of your thumbs and forefingers together during a spousal spat to stay calm;
• Try some unconventional ways to reduce stress;

Preventing Relationship Burnout in the Future

Romantic flame eventually dies down, and only consistent effort can keep the fire burning. What can you do to avoid, or at least alleviate, the discomfort caused by relationship burnout?

Maintain balance

Much as we enjoy ensconcing ourselves on the knees of our partner, we need me-time moments. Try to keep a healthy balance between personal space and togetherness.

Setting boundaries

We’ve already mentioned the issue of compassion fatigue, which stems from the lack of self-care and prioritizing other people's needs over your own. Don’t let this pattern drain you of energy and increase irritation in your couple. Try giving priority to your personal needs, fulfilling activities, and self-care practices.

Nurture intimacy

Take steps to protect the romantic spark: plan alone time together, express love physically, consistently work on communication, and demonstrate respect and appreciation. Seek outside help of a sex coach who will carefully help you to solve sex-related issues. 

To Sum Up

If you are going through relationship burnout, it doesn’t mean you failed, nor does it mean you’ve come across a unique and unbearable challenge nobody has had. In contrast, burnout is a normal stage of a relationship, and it even can become a starting point for a revived connection.  Find more tips for dealing with stress-related problems on Miranna’s blog, or find your coach to navigate a difficult period with an expert who will help you find strategies that work for you.

FAQ

What is a relationship burnout?

Relationship burnout occurs when unrealistic expectations of love remain unmet, leading to feelings of disconnect, detachment, and emotional exhaustion. Over time, frustration builds up, and once-adorable behaviors may become irritating. This emotional toll can leave partners feeling drained, disinterested, and defeated. Understanding what is relationship burnout is the first step to addressing it and working toward healing.

How do you recover from relationship burnout?

Recovering from relationship burnout requires a joint effort. Start by openly communicating with your partner about how you feel and validating each other's emotions. Seek to create shared experiences, like date nights or hobbies, to reconnect and rebuild intimacy. In more challenging cases, seeking the help of a therapist can be instrumental in addressing deeper patterns and learning how to fix relationship burnout effectively.

Can burnout destroy relationships?

Yes, if left unaddressed, relationship burnout can lead to further emotional distance and detachment, which may ultimately destroy the relationship. Burnout often arises gradually, making it difficult to spot early on. By recognizing signs such as feeling drained or defeated and taking steps to reconnect, couples can prevent burnout from causing irreparable damage.

Is it normal to feel drained in a relationship?

Yes, it’s normal to feel drained at times, especially during stressful periods. However, if the feeling persists and you consistently experience an emotionally exhausting relationship, it could indicate relationship burnout. Identifying the underlying causes—such as work-life imbalance, unresolved conflicts, or neglecting self-care—is essential to restoring balance and energy.

Why am I so tired of my relationship?

Feeling tired of your relationship may stem from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or emotional exhaustion caused by the demands of daily life. Compassion fatigue and a lack of communication can also contribute to this sense of burnout. Reflecting on your feelings and addressing them with your partner can help reduce tension and reignite connection.