Blended Families: Key Things Step-Parents Should Never Do

Step-parenting describes the role and responsibilities of a person who becomes a parent to their partner's child from a previous relationship. A step-parenting arrangement often occurs when two people, at least one of whom has a child or children from a prior union, come together to form a new family, commonly known as a blended family.

Step-parenting can be both rewarding and challenging, as it involves navigating existing relationships, establishing new boundaries, and fostering trust and harmony among family members. As they say, “If anything can go wrong, it will” — that’s Murphy's Law. We, as parents, should always keep that in mind. The development of blended families can vary significantly depending on the age of the children, their relationship with their biological parents, the level of education and self-awareness of every adult involved, and the overall family environment. Even the level of development at the micro-level of the given community and neighborhood can matter, as other children with whom a stepson or stepdaughter interacts might or might not experience bullying simply based on the fact that their parent is not their biological parent. 

In this article, we will look into key mistakes step-parents should never make with their stepchildren. But first, let’s clarify the terminology.

Terminology of Blended Families

First of all, some confusion about step-parenting terminology might occur, especially among non-native English speakers, when different people mean different things by using the words “half-relatives,” “step-relatives,” “blended family,” “patchwork family,” and “bonus family.” This should not be confused with foster parenting, which is formed after the disruption of the birth family due to unfortunate events or accidents.

To mitigate misunderstanding, we suggest you look at this fine guide below.

As we see in the guide, a stepmom or stepdad is a non-biological parent of child(ren) from a former marriage or relationship.

Stepfamilies and blended families come in many shapes and sizes. One thing that unifies them, no matter what the configuration is, is that a child should expect a stable, healthy family climate, acceptance, and unconditional love.

This time, our team decided to go in the opposite direction with the research. Instead of tips and recommendations about what step-parents should do, we are uncovering common mistakes in step-parenting that prevent building healthy relationships and bonding in stepfamilies.

Why Step-Parenting Can Be Challenging

Step-parenting, like any responsible parenting, is a demanding task that should be undertaken willingly and after careful consideration. Understanding parenting styles, such as gentle and permissive parenting, can also provide valuable insights into managing these unique family dynamics.

Even if we set aside extreme cases, and our stepparent is in a healthy, civilized relationship with their partner, and the situation regarding the stepchildren has been communicated clearly and in advance, there remains the challenge of coexisting with a child who is not biologically yours while learning to love them.

Compared to nuclear families, child-rearing in a blended family presents unique challenges since raising kids occurs simultaneously with forming new relationships. Biological parents must build strong bonds with their new partners while also trying to connect with their stepchildren and other family members, all while maintaining strong connections with their own children. Can add to this complexity the time constraints parents face, as they often have many demands on their time and attention. For this reason, balancing relationships is another critical skill in step-parenting.

One of the primary challenges is building trust with a stepchild who may feel loyalty and nostalgia towards their biological parents and may resist forming bonds with a new parental figure. This child might experience jealousy and envy, which they may express openly. As a result, step-parents often need to prove themselves worthy of that trust over time.

While trying to win the trust of their stepchild, some step-parents may lose control and act irrationally, in unhealthy ways.

Things a Step-Parent Should Never Do

There are certain things common to all parents in the world that they should never apply to their children: ignorance, lack of care, lack of love, and jeopardizing children’s safety and security. Some crucial no-no’s gain more importance when dealing with a stepchild, while other new critical things may emerge.

Toxic step-parents are those who exercise favoritism, manipulation, gaslighting, and overly controlling behaviors. Favoritism, for example, is depressing for any child, but in the case of stepchildren who already feel more vulnerable and less “family,” it can be absolutely devastating.

One important difference from biological parents is that a step-parent should remember the legal boundaries: they have no legal duties or obligations toward their stepchildren unless they have been granted rights by a family court. You should check the laws specific to your location.

Do not compare your children with each other or with children in other families, especially out loud. As the wise advice goes, it’s better to compare oneself with the past version of oneself. No other comparisons, by any means, should take place. When a child is compared — even to their own improvement — it doesn’t help build healthy self-esteem or calibrate correct perceptions. Instead, it feeds kids' anxiety with thoughts like “I am not good enough,” “They are all better than me,” or “She said this time I am better than someone, meaning she keeps evaluating and comparing continuously; I am in some sort of competition.” You wouldn’t want to be compared to others, so please do not do that to your stepchildren.

Do not use uncivil ways of communication, such as snarky comments, ignoring stepkids, attempts to hurt them, acid sarcasm, and more. Do not take your frustration out on children ever. Find a constructive way to channel your stress, tiredness, and disappointment with your life in general or with consequences of your previous choices. It’s never your kid’s fault.

Basically, step-parents should not mistreat or neglect their stepchildren; they should ensure a loving, accepting, and thriving environment and should not do anything that works against such an environment.

When to Seek Help

Given that in today’s world, any adult and any parent is overloaded with the need to earn money, multitasking, running numerous chores and errands, managing her own life, helping elderly and often sick relatives, raising a baby or child, putting up with moody teens, and navigating an urban environment that is not always arranged in the most accessible way — this is simply too much.

The same applies to a step-parent, and if you are that overwhelmed stepmom, it might be a good idea to seek professional help.

There are trained and certified family counseling professionals who specialize in working with blended families. Check in your local communities or family care centers. We strongly recommend not ignoring problems with a stepchild or sweeping them under the rug; such problems will not resolve themselves over time.

Dedicated female wellness apps, such as Miranna system, can help you save time; you can use it from the convenience of your home at any time during the day. At Miranna you can find an experienced parent coach to navigate all your parenting challenges.

Conclusion

In conclusion, managing step-parenting without making a single mistake is not realistic, but a step-parent should care enough and make an effort to minimize those mistakes.

The role of a parent in a blended family requires education, awareness, patience, and a clear understanding of boundaries, as well as an understanding that a stepchild is a human being and that life is not always easy for this child either. Step-parents should be empathetic and grant their stepchildren unconditional love and full support.

By avoiding common pitfalls such as favoritism, disrespectful communication, and harsh comments and comparisons, a step-parent can create a nurturing environment for better stepchild development.

All you need is love. And also care, awareness, and education. We are here to support you with our unique Miranna App, helping women all over the world.

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