Gentle and Permissive Parenting: What Is the Difference?

There is no perfect instruction for raising children, but parents, one way or another, resort to the help and advice of others who have passed this way. Even on social media. On TikTok, while the internet has divided between 'Boy Moms' and 'Girl Moms', the hype towards gentle parenting keeps rising.

It is established that gentle parenting is a nurturing and empathetic approach to raising children. However, this style should not be confused with permissive parenting — a method that involves few boundaries and minimal discipline.

In this article, we'll explain what popular gentle parenting is, how it differs from permissive parenting, and why it is important to divide these parenting strategies.

Understanding of Gentle Parenting

Gentle parenting is an approach to raising children with a focus on empathy, respect, and open communication between family members. It denies authoritarian methods, like controlling or punishing behavior, and encourages understanding children's emotional needs and guiding them with compassion. Four key principles of gentle parenting include:

Empathy and Emotional Validation. Those parents who stick to a gentle parenting style have focused on recognizing and validating their child’s emotions, rather than denying and suppressing their expressions. In case of emotional outbursts or swings, they try to understand the underlying cause and help children manage their feelings.

Positive Discipline. Gentle parenting supports a 'sweet spot' between responsiveness or empathy and demanding. Parents act not like punishers but rather as wise teachers and guides. They set reasonable boundaries, and help children understand the consequences of their actions in a supportive manner. In this style of parenting mistakes usually are treated as learning opportunities.

Consistency in Boundaries. Parents set clear and consistent boundaries, but enforce them kindly. They ensure their child feels safe and secure within these limits, avoiding power struggles while maintaining authority calmly and respectfully.

Open Communication. Parents create a safe space for children to express their feelings and thoughts freely. Moms and dads encourage and engage children in conversations with active listening which leads to rapport and mutual respect as a core part of gentle parenting. It also allows children to develop communication skills and emotional intelligence.

Get To Know Permissive Parenting

Permissive parenting or indulgent parenting is the opposite of gentle and about high responsiveness, but low demands and urgency. Permissive parents are more like friends: they are caring and loving but don't set rules or offer guidance. This style of parenting is characterized by the four following traits:

Lack of Boundaries. Parents avoid or ignore setting any rules, letting children do whatever they want. It can confuse children and lead to a struggle to understand acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

Minimal Discipline. Another of the main reasons for criticism of the parenting approach - permissive parents use minimal discipline. On the one hand, they have no basis for conflicts with kids. On the other hand, these kids can be more impulsive and have less self-control as the lack of guidance makes it difficult to understand consequences for misbehavior.

Authority imbalance. Permissive parenting is out of an authority balance in the parent-child relationship. It is not about a positive attitude of allowing children to make their own choices, which can enhance their decision-making skills or promote independence. Permissive parents allow children to make decisions that are beyond their maturity level, making them sometimes take 'excessive responsibility' and feel insecure.     

Overindulgence. Children of the permissive parenting style are more demanding and less adaptive to the real world. Adults used to grant their every wish to avoid confrontation, so they expect the same approach from everyone and meet disappointment when they have to deal with real-world limitations.

Main Differences Between Gentle and Permissive Parenting

Both gentle and permissive parenting demonstrate warm relationships between parents and kids, but they differ significantly in terms of discipline, boundaries, and parental authority. Here’s a list of distinguished features:

Boundaries and Discipline. In gentle parenting adults set firm but fair boundaries, using positive discipline techniques to guide children's behavior constructively. In permissive parenting discipline is either absent or very lenient, resulting in behavioral issues.

Parental Authority. Permissive parents usually switch off 'adult mode', leaving children to navigate situations on their own. On the contrary, gentle parenting requires parents to be in charge, but to support their child through non-violent and open communication.

Emotional Support. Gentle parenting prioritizes children's emotional validation and resilience. Parents work to understand and recognize their children's emotional needs and help them healthily handle their emotions. Permissive parents can also be emotionally supportive, but they lack the structure children need to develop coping with difficult emotional mechanisms.

Long-term Effects. Children of gentle parenting style are emotionally intelligent, self-regulated, and respectful of others, as they’ve been guided within clear and respectful boundaries. Permissive parenting can lead to raising a child with authority and self-regulation issues, struggling to understand other boundaries and consequences of their actions.

To Sum Up

There is no perfect parenting style, each mom and dad found their tactics to raise kids so we should avoid the assumption that a particular parenting strategy is the best or made up for everyone. However, gentle parenting can be a balanced alternative between authoritarian and permissive parenting. 

The beauty of this style of parenting is about not 'all rainbows and lollipops' as presented by social media. It is an adaptable, non-violent approach, having a positive lasting impact on children's behavior and lives. Gentle parenting boosts children's emotional intelligence and empathy, yet responsibility, respect for boundaries, positive discipline, and problem-solving skills. 

In comparison to the permissive approach, gentle parenting offers a balance of authority and compassion, while permissive parenting lacks the necessary boundaries and discipline that children need to thrive.

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